Take a Sad Song
by celeste9
Summary: You don't always get what you want. Abby/Jess  Becker/Connor, Abby/Connor, Becker/Jess


__A/N: Written for the prompt 'Abby/Jess, poor substitutes'. Title from "Hey Jude" by the Beatles.

_**Take a Sad Song**_

If there was one thing Jess was good at, it was watching. She spent hour after hour, day after day watching everyone else in the ARC. She sat in front of her computer screens and monitored the CCTV. The ADD went off, the team went out, and Jess stayed behind. She stayed behind and she watched and she noticed things.

Jess noticed the way Becker looked at Connor, a mixture of softness and protectiveness, exasperation and fondness. She noticed the way Becker smiled at Connor's jokes, almost like he didn't want to but couldn't help himself. She noticed the way Connor gravitated towards him and the way they always seemed to be touching, a friendly clap on the shoulder, an arm flung casually around the other.

Most of all, Jess noticed the way Abby watched them.

* * *

><p>Jess had always considered herself to be a good friend, but when she started to realise Abby and Connor were falling apart, she had no idea what to do.<p>

"Are you okay?" she would ask Abby, in the ARC, at home, too many times.

"Fine," Abby always said, but her eyes were sad and Jess knew that ninety-nine times out of a hundred, when a person said they were fine it actually meant they were horrible.

_You can talk to me,_ Jess wanted to say. _You can trust me. Maybe I can help, or maybe it will make you feel better to get it out._ But she could never say it. She looked at Abby and felt like her heart was breaking but she couldn't do a damn thing.

(She looked at Connor and wanted to scream. She saw the way Connor looked at Becker and the way Becker looked at him and it was like she couldn't breathe.)

* * *

><p>Sometimes Jess wished there weren't so many cameras in the ARC. Sometimes she wished the ARC employees could manage to remain one hundred percent professional at all times. Sometimes she wished she never had to look at the CCTV. Too often she wound up seeing something she didn't want to.<p>

Two days ago she had been privy to a row between Abby and Connor, their faces drawn and pinched, Abby's body language guarded and Connor's defensive. Connor hadn't come home that night and Jess had been unable to bring herself to speak to Abby.

Now Jess found her gaze caught by a glimpse of Becker in the corridor leading to one of the labs. Curiosity (damned, damned curiosity) made her follow him as he met Connor. She could see the look of pleasure on Connor's face as he glanced away from his laptop. They talked for a minute, Becker leaning casually against the table, and then Connor came around the other side to meet him, standing between Becker's legs.

When Becker's hands landed on Connor's hips and Connor leaned up for a kiss, Jess couldn't even say she was surprised. Bitterly disappointed, maybe, but not surprised.

Tears sparked in her eyes and she cursed herself furiously. What a stupid thing to cry over. It wasn't like she'd been expecting anything else and Becker had never been hers to lose. A nauseous anxiousness gnawed at her belly as her thoughts turned to Abby, as she wondered whether she should say anything.

"Jess, I need you to- Jess?"

Jess wiped at her eyes and forced herself to turn to Lester, whose deer in the headlights expression made her think he wanted to be in this situation even less than she did. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

Lester glanced at the CCTV, which was now showing Becker and Connor laughing together, arms brushing as they walked side-by-side out of the room, and then gave Jess his attention again, understanding glimmering in his eyes. "It wasn't important. Would you like to take an early night? It's been quiet around here all day."

A sudden and unexpected swell of affection for him spread through Jess. "No, I'm all right. Tell me what you need." Work would be good for her, she thought. Distracting. She forced a smile that probably seemed almost genuine - Jess had always been good at smiling when she didn't actually mean it.

* * *

><p>The image of Becker and Connor kissing ate at Jess all day. She hurt for herself but she hurt for Abby as well, Abby whose relationship had been real and not only a silly infatuation. She didn't know if that fight she had witnessed had signalled the end of it and she didn't know if Abby knew that Connor had... That Becker...<p>

Jess couldn't decide what she would want if she were in Abby's position. She didn't want to make anything worse but she couldn't make up her mind as to which course of action would do that.

"I don't see much of Connor any more," Jess said while she and Abby picked through cartons of Chinese without much enthusiasm.

"Me neither," Abby said and those two words combined with the look on her face told Jess all she needed to know.

* * *

><p>Jess came home one day to find herself faced with Connor, a bag slung over his shoulder and a box in his hands. She closed the door. "I guess you're moving out then."<p>

Connor shifted his grip on the box. "Yeah, I... Thanks for letting me stay here, Jess. I really did appreciate it."

"It was my pleasure."

"I should get going. Becker-" Connor winced. "Well, he's waiting in the car."

Jess moved out of the way but she didn't say anything. For once she absolutely didn't feel like talking.

But Connor did, apparently. He stood in the doorway and said, "I'm sorry, Jess. I really am."

"For what?"

He simply looked at her with sad brown eyes. "I think you know." And then he left.

Jess walked into her empty flat, setting down her purse and taking a seat on the sofa where she could pull off her stupid, painful shoes. Those ridiculous heels she wore mostly because she liked them but a little bit in the vain hope that Becker would notice her legs. She crossed one ankle over her knee and rubbed her foot.

Yes, she knew exactly why Connor was sorry. It just didn't help.

* * *

><p>Later that night, Abby was curled up on the sofa, her feet tucked up underneath her and her chin cupped in her hand, her gaze pointed to the wall but her mind clearly a million miles away. Jess sat next to her and put a cup of tea onto the coffee table. Abby started at the <em>clink <em>of the plate being set down and turned blinking eyes to Jess.

"I made you some tea," Jess said.

"Thanks," Abby said but she only picked up the cup, holding it in her hands without drinking it.

Neither of them said anything and Jess bit her lip, staring down at her knees. She should say something, but what? Silence made her uncomfortable and when she was uncomfortable she rambled, which made her sound like an idiot, so then she felt even more uncomfortable and rambled more. It was a painful cycle.

But Abby spoke first. "It was stupid to think we could come back here and go on like nothing had changed when everything had. To think that because we'd worked in the Cretaceous we would magically be all right here."

"It wasn't stupid."

"Of course you would say that. You've probably never said an unkind word about anyone in your life."

"I'm not as good as you think I am. I'm not… I can get angry, too, you know." Jess was tired of simply being the perky one all the time - that wasn't all she was. For some reason, at that moment it seemed imperative that Abby understand that.

"I didn't mean anything bad by it," Abby said, her gaze sliding over to Jess' face.

"I know you didn't, it's only… Everyone thinks they know me, they think they can decide who I am after two minutes. Oh, Jess, she's so bubbly and happy and cheerful! But that's not all I am." _I can be miserable, too. Watch me._

"I've never thought that," Abby said, reaching over to briefly squeeze Jess' hand, and Jess believed her.

"Do you know what some people are surprised by? About me?"

"What?"

"I'm actually a very good listener." Jess still couldn't think of a single thing to say to Abby that might help in the slightest, but she knew she could listen.

Abby's lips curved into a sad smile. "I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm not sure I'm up for talking yet."

"That's okay. The offer will remain open as long as you need."

"Thanks, Jess." And after a while, Abby did say something. "You know what the funniest part is? It was always me who was holding back, me who was leading Connor on and then pushing him away. I could have had him from the first day we met if I'd wanted, but it took being lost together for me to realise I did want it, I did want him."

That didn't sound very funny to Jess. "Did you love him?"

"Yeah." The word slipped from between Abby's lips like a sigh. "Did you?"

There was no need to ask who Abby meant. "No. I hardly even know him. But I thought maybe... I wanted to. I wanted to have the chance." Jess wondered if it should hurt less, knowing that she had never had a chance, knowing that Becker would never have been interested in her, no matter what she did.

Because it didn't hurt less.

"Figures he's gay, though," Jess said in an attempt to lighten the mood. She was a little bit proud of herself for even being able to say it. "He's too... neat."

Abby seized upon the stab at levity with obvious gratitude. "He is, isn't he? I bet he spends more time on his hair than we do."

"He probably does." Jess twisted her hands in her lap, gazing down at them, and damn it, but she was going to be maudlin again. "But it is lovely. He has wonderful hair."

"Oh, Jess." Abby took a moment to put the teacup back down and then turned to the side, edging over on the sofa until her knee was pressed against Jess' thigh. Jess turned to meet her and their arms went around each other, hugging tightly. Abby stroked her fingers through Jess' hair and Jess tucked her face into Abby's neck, smelling the lingering sweetness of Abby's shower gel on her skin.

Abby started to laugh quietly. "Look at us! Pathetic messes over a couple of stupid men."

And it was sort of humorous, in a miserable kind of way. "Men. Who needs them?" Jess said because if she thought too hard she would probably cry. Becker didn't deserve her tears.

Neither of them did. Connor and Becker had made their choice and now Abby and Jess had their own choice to make. Wallow and feel sorry for themselves or… not.

Jess knew which option she preferred.

It was so easy to simply kiss Abby's neck, lightly and quickly, and even easier to let Abby tilt her face up and kiss her mouth. Jess had never even thought about kissing a woman in her entire life, but Abby's mouth was soft and it never occurred to her to stop. Abby tasted like bitterness and regret, but also like solace.

_**End**_


End file.
